More in us than we know: February 2009

"You will either step forward into growth or you will step back into safety." - Abraham Maslow

Please read, and know that no validation is needed or expected! (that will make sense to you by the end)
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Today and more precisely this last year I have been thinking a lot about relationships, in particular my relationship of 8 years with my almost ex-husband. I couldn’t say until now that I really fully understood why it was that we couldn’t be together anymore.

When Daryll and I first met, we did what all new couples do. We talked and talked and talked. And every where we looked we found the things that we had in common. We shared our spiritual views and our life experiences and found comfort from our suffering. You can’t help but do this in the beginning; it feels so good to re-explore our true selves with the validation and support of another person. It feels even better when that person is hanging on your every word as if each were the most precious of possessions.

In the middle of all of this feel-good commonality we were, in a sense, deciding to let go of who we were as individuals and began to see the identity of us. It was such a whirlwind, spinning, blurry and yet joyous. I believed that such letting go of my identity was the whole point of relationships. I really placed value on the long espoused values of committed relationships: compromise, duty, support, and hard work. So each and every time Daryll offered to change to validate my views I allowed this in the name of compromise. And every time he asked the same of me, I did so in the name of support or duty.

One such example could be that Daryll sees the world from a pessimists point of view. So, I would open conversations about something that someone did that bothered me, knowing that in doing so I was validating his world view, and going against my general sense of positivism and faith in the good of others. I didn't want to challenge his view an make him feel uncomfortable in the relationship. (There are countless other examples but probably not worth detailing here)

One might say, well those are normal changes and that they aren't harmful. But this is not what I believe anymore. The truth (my truth) is that marriages need to create space for each person to be who they are, and to not feel obligated to validate or invalidate the other person driven by fear of feeling vulnerable by the very love that the relationship offers. We were so busy spending our first few years together compromising and validating each other that we no longer were the people we thought we were before the relationship.

Another defining moment of compromise occurred after we had been dating for a few months. Daryll shared with me that had been with a man when he was young and long before we had ever met. I decided two things when I heard this. 1. He must feel ashamed of himself, so I will not mention this ever again. 2. Holy shit are you kidding me, I am so not okay with this, what is wrong with me for not being okay with this, shouldn’t I be open-minded and understanding and committed and compromising……..

So I projected that he should be ashamed of himself, and from that moment on he was. I said that my level of discomfort would not be validated by society, so therefore I would make myself comfortable with it in the name of being seen as good and right. Well as the years went on, we never really connected on the intimate level and I kept trying to solve for Daryll’s shame by allowing further compromises. We would watch pornography, even though I didn’t feel comfortable with it. Or we wouldn’t have sex at all, believing that I did not need to have a sexual passionate connection with my husband.

Well being the determined and highly committed people that we were, we started behaving in such a way that if we were not going to accept ourselves as were are, and our ability to find things in common reached a subtle but critical mass, we decided to turn our need for validation to the outside world. We unconsciously, but simultaneously began to try and live up the ideals of society and our families. In short we changed ourselves to become the perfect couple, so that we could feel comfortable and validated by the world since we could no longer do that for each other.

Finally I decided that I deserved to have a passionate connection with my husband, but when he wouldn’t notice my efforts to get his attention, he would reinforce the notion in me that he was broken (gay), that I was bad for judging him, and that in the end the fault of this whole situation was really mine. If only I knew how to turn him on, make him notice, fix him!

I could go on and on (and probably will in a book) but this compromise was just a symptom of being willing to walk away from myself for the sake of a relationship. We decided that the perception of our partner held more value than the truth about ourselves. In the very least we thought that changing each other, was far easier than feeling like crap for not always having agreement or harmony in our relationship or worse not having a relationship at all.

Finally, after 7 years, I couldn’t deny my truth anymore. But now, I didn’t know what was my truth versus my perceived and validated truth through Daryll. So I swallowed my pride, manned up the courage and spent 6 months in meditation and contemplation confronting myself and asking who I was. I didn’t do this to end my marriage or to keep it, I did it for me. I learned so much, and in particular I re-learned my core truths. They are:

I believe that we are all entitled to the truth

I believe that with enough time all things can be understood

I believe that life is more meaningful when it can be shared

I believe that people are good

I believe that there is something bigger than all of us shepherding us

I believe that suffering is a necessary and good part of life

I believe in the balance of the natural world

I believe that beauty should be acknowledged

I believe that we should revel in the simple things

I believe that the same patterns are repeated everywhere and in everyone

I am in love with life

It was so exciting to be reminded of my fundamental assumptions and views, yet at the same time it was incredibly scary because when I began to see these things, I began to see all of the ways I had been compromising myself. Who I was with Daryll looked so different to me. In my marriage I learned that:

I felt ashamed of Daryll for his sexual needs and identitiy

I felt that the world was empty and that living for the next life probably made more sense anyway

I felt that life was so complex that it was not worth understanding

I felt that I had to go through the motions of life out of obligation and duty

I felt that I did not deserve intimacy and affection

I felt that only the world’s beauty was safe to acknowledge, and not the beauty in people

I felt that suffering was something to be avoided, that suffering is testimony we are not on the right path

In short I had compromised to the point of violating my core beliefs. I also knew that in doing so, I must have asked the same of Daryll and damaged him too.

Knowing these things did I let go? Hell no! I thought for sure that he would validate my deeply held and newly discovered beliefs, that he would appreciate my process of the last year, and that we could forgive and live happily ever after. But he couldn’t find the same truth in not placing a higher value on validation and compromise. He didn't perceive the brokenness of our pattern and begin a new one. In the end what I realized is for all that we had in common in the beginning, what we never had in common was the same world view, or core beliefs. Looking back our very foundations was build upon one core and common tenet…that we were both good people who didn’t want kids. We wanted the relationship to work so badly, that we saw only what we had in common and then compromised around the rest.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this we had a son, Kyle. He reminds me that if he is going to love himself and stand firm in his core beliefs, that he needs role models in his life who believe the same. As a parent I do want to impart my values on Kyle, if for no other reason so that he can understand me, and on what basis I choose to live my life.

Through our separation Daryll sought his own truth, but he kept getting stuck in the need to see himself in our marriage in order to see himself at all. He couldn't let go of me, to hold onto himself. It just isn't what he believes is right. His core beliefs are different. He would change, and become a shell of who he could be for the sake of being married. He doesn't want to be human, and feel human things. He wants to live this life sacrificing for the next one. He has called me and told me that he had changed, and all the while he never realized that I wasn't asking that of him. I want him to be happy and I want him to be who he is.

Perhaps I asked him to find his own happiness to validate me in my search for the same. Perhaps Daryll is not one who holds that belief that life is meant to be fulfilling and happy, and instead those are my views. Maybe he fundamentally believes that love means changing for others, and that bliss is best saved for less responsible people. Good for him, he may not have found my version of bliss, but I suspect he has found his truth.

I knew that I had to depart on a journey to live a life filled with meaning and truth. As much as Daryll wanted to join me he knew that this is not a path that is consistent with his beliefs-no amount of compromise would have made it the right choice for either of us to go on together.

And so we parted.