"The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection, and that one is prepared in the end, to be defeated, and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one’s love upon other human individuals." George Orwell
So, this is the first official week of Kyle and I being together without Daryll in the house and so far it has been...welll....humbling.
When Kyle first came home he was full of manners. Kyle has always been a sweet boy and had good manners, but I could tell that he was watching his P's and Q's. It was so hard to see him look at his home as though he was a visitor. I missed him so much while he was with him Omah and Papa, but I also enjoyed having the space to recharge my batteries. The first night home, he slept in my bed. I admit that I asked him if he would-even though he was willing to sleep in his own bed- becuase I just wanted to be near him.
When I dropped Kyle off at school after the first night he cried. He had never cried before, in fact he barely noticed we existed most school days, he just loves to play with his friends. It was so heartbreaking and you can imagine the guilt I felt by putting him in such a state....I wanted to scoop him up and take him home with me, but the day would not allow it.
Last night Kyle seemed more natural, more at home but still on edge. We played cars and ate pizza and had an early bed time, again back in mommy's bed. This whole time he was glued to my side, telling me he wanted to see me no matter what.
This morning, well this morning is the reason I decided to write this post. He woke up and didn't want to get out of bed without me. So we went into the kitchen together and I made the usual; 1 egg scrambled (mommy style), some kefir and a banana as a special treat. Well, he sat down and immediately began protesting, whining, crying, threateining....you name it. He pulled out all of the stops. He said he didn't like me, that his belly hurt, that he wasn't hungry, that daddy said he didn't have to......
So I reminded myself of all of the boundary shifting I have had to do through this separation, and took a deep breath and whispered to myself "stay strong." And so the battle of wills (Kyle Lucas vs. Alisha Michelle) began. Kyle got out of his chair, I took him to bed. He cried, he kicked, I held him without saying any words. He said he didn't love me, I told him he didn't have to always love me. He said I hurt his feelings and he began crying, as he told me that I needed to go to bed. (I have to admit he had me in K.O. here, and my mommy strength almost collapsed). So I picked him up and apologized for hurting his feelings, and told him I was sorry he was hurting----but then I sat him back down at the table for his breakfast.
I had a moment of wondering what on earth I was even fighting this battle for. It was just eggs and Kyle certainly wasn't going to starve to death, but still I just felt like we had moved beyond my needing it, to Kyle needing it. Finally, after a full on 45 minute battle, he sat and ate his eggs and half of a banana. I finished the banana and told him he could play while I got ready.
Kyle got down, and came over to me to sit on my lap. He gave me a kiss on my cheek and told me he loved me, and asked if I wanted to play with his truck. So I did, and he went off and played with his race car track. Kyle had been glued to my side since coming home and wouldn't even let me go to the bathroom without him, and here was walking away to play with his cars. I watched him and could tell that he felt safe and at home. I could see that he was not just happy, but at peace.
When I took him to school, I promised him I would wait in the class for 5 minutes while he got settled, and today he didn't cry. He was free from fear.
It would be so easy to fall into guilt and to have allowed Kyle to do whatever he wanted. But what Kyle really wanted was a mom who believed he was worth the guilt, frustration and saddness that was required in order for him to feel forgiveness, peace, and joy. What an amazing lesson he taught me. Now I have to figure out a way to do that for myself.
Life with MS
4 years ago
